To Whom Do I Turn To?
As I am sitting in front of my laptop screen at 1:15 A.M Eastern time, I sighed. I can hear my mother’s roaring snore next door. The floor creaks as I can hear a tiny mouse running across my room. I take a deep breath, staring at the bright lit display shined at me. I scrolled through the Instagram desktop version, seeing countless stories about people being happy with their significant other or having company over. I pondered this question: “To Whom do I Turn To?”
The reason why I am asking this question is because during the Coronavirus, we all want to socialize in-person like the good old days. We all want to hang out with our friends and families again. Giggles, clap, roaming free at the park, and drinks clink together. However, the pandemic has shattered the socializing vibes. Just like the 2008 economic recession has done to most people and their career goals, the pandemic has struck my motivation.
With my mouse, I click to a new web page. From what I have seen on my school’s Reddit page, some of us students are depressed. Some of us are lonely. Some of us have friends but don’t know to who to turn to. I know a few friends who tried to turn to therapies and psychologists, but either those services are extortionate, or either those services are packed and unavailable to the wide population.
Sometimes, I want to call my friends in my contacts list — but I feel like talking to them might cause a burden. A freight of pain and negativity that might lead them to explode. Or maybe to even neglect my needs, who knows. If I rant to them about my problems, I feel like I might be judged, criticized, or even embarrassed. Friends are supposed to be there by your side, but are they always there? I mean, while friends are there by your side, are they always there or are they there for their selfish needs? I question about my friendships with certain people. In times of distress, to whom do I turn to?
The other day, I was walking at the park with my mask on, when I saw a group of pigeons waddling together. I saw some couples clinging to each other and you know — all lovey-dovey romantic. A part of me wanted to puke. But a part of me wanted to be loved. As I awed, I envy that joyous connection of being part of a group. I have a great family connection, but with relationships is the opposite. They do say, birds flock together. But who is “my together?” To whom do I turn to?
As I close my laptop, I pull out my diary from under my bed. The night sky was somber as my soul. I wanted to burst a cry on the spot, but I don’t want to act like a baby. I felt a slight sling through me, as if a bow and arrow shot my heart and I bled with agony and misery. I flipped to a new diary page, posing my pen onto it, writing: “To Whom Do I turn to?” I then shed a tear.
We all want to feel included. We all want to have a significant other. We all need a certain something in our life. I can feel the goosebumps in me, shivering in the cold air. My mind starts to wonder and think about my friends and families. They all have that certain someone to whom they can turn to. Someone they can confide their feelings or day to. Someone to whom they can trust. Someone who is by their side if you will.
I am no poet nor writer, but a student. Sometimes I want to ask the universe to whom do I turn to in need? My needs of laughter, my needs of ranting, my needs of sadness. Sometimes I think, “To Whom Do I turn to?” Can I trust anyone nowadays?