Dear Grade 11 Crush,
Memoir About a High School Crush
As I looked back to my past diary entries, there were so many remarkable events that influenced who I am today. From bullying, friendzones to crush rejections — they all have an impact one way or another.
They often said that being a teenager is the pivotal time of your lifespan. However, being a teenage girl with flustered hormones is confusing because our emotions are up in the air. It depends whether or not we are moody or feeling nice that day.
However, there was that one person who I still think, “did they like me, back then?”
When I was back in high school, I was in my final year of grade eleven. Being in Student Council as Co-President and on the yearbook committee, there were many behind-the-scenes perks. For example, I get to see our year’s grad photos in advance, ask students for improvements, and edit our yearbook quotes.
But there was that one guy, whom I kept an eye on. For personal reasons, I decided to call him “Liam.” Liam was in the same grade as me. He has dirty blonde hair, hair long that swift like the wind, and was tall as a tree. People often described him as eccentric because people could never understand his brother and his humour. While they are eccentric, something about that weirdness attracted me to him. He was active in school, but people seemed to notice him more in the school’s Prefect board club.
Prior to the events, the year before, Liam was in the same French class as me. He once joked about calling me “Princess” because my French teacher once called me “Princess Britney” openly to the class. It was embarrassing, but lowkey I liked the attention from him.
Another event: when it was Friday, December 2nd, 2016, my French teacher handed out everyone’s French tests to the class to peer edit. I don’t know what is wrong with my french teacher. I don’t know if she’s a winged woman or sees flirting in our class, but she gave my test to Liam. Liam turned his seat around, shouted my name in an exciting manner: “Hey Britney, I got your paper!” Feeling shocked and blushing, I wondered why he called me.
Last event: November 9, 2017, I had to hand in my French paper, when Liam shouted: “Hey, Britney” and smiled. I sometimes wondered why he would call me to say hi, but maybe it was because he was weird after all.
I can list more events outside the classroom, but that would take up my word count.
You have to know one thing: the smallest actions have an impactful influence.
There was that one event that still lingers my thoughts to this day.
On January 24th, 2018, I had my last class of the day: French. It was a cold afternoon; I was sitting in French class finishing up my schoolwork. Our French teacher gave us free time because the entire class had finished their work.
After I finished my French work, I got up, marched towards my classmate. She and I were discussing Graduation photos retakes because we both complained about our yearbook photos looking like trash. You know how reserved and self-concerned teenagers are with their self-esteem and their looks. Ugh, don’t brag about it.
A minute later, two boys near us mumbled: “Hello.” I did not pay attention to who it was so I uttered back hello. As I turned around, these boys were Liam and Liam’s friend: Cole.
In my mind, I was weirded out that they randomly said hello in class. Why would they randomly call hello if it’s in the afternoon?
I continued to converse with my classmate when Cole interjects to Liam loudly to the point where I can hear them:
“Have you [Liam] dated Britney?”
WOAH WOAH WOAH THERE. Why, why, why, why, why did he have to ask that. Out of all of the questions out there, THIS WAS THE ONE. I thought panickily.
Having overheard the conversation, I turned my attention towards them. Why the heck would he ask this so openly? Both Liam and I said: “No no no no.” Shit, why the heck did I say it at the same time? I thought.
Cole looked super intrigued because I have a sense that he knows something that I don’t. Maybe Liam did have a crush on me? Maybe yes or maybe no. He smirked, asking:
“Who’s your crush, then, Britney?”
In my mind, I know my answer. I wanted to say “Liam!” but at the same time, I did not want my classmates to find out publicly. I was deeply concerned about what others would say about my crush preferences or even being judged by whom I liked.
I gave a look to Liam. I can see Liam did the same. Without thinking of an answer, I turned away in utter awkwardness. Shit, that was awkward… At the same time, since I am prone to show my blushing easily, I blushed way hard on that response. Is it me or is it hot in the classroom?
All of a sudden, I can hear Cole gossiping about me towards Liam. Cole is onto something, but I cannot put my finger on it. I ended up not paying attention to their conversation because I had to come back to my classmate’s conversation about Graduation picture retakes.
By the time it was Prom season in June, every girl was excited for ~that beautiful~ one-time event. I have seen some of my classmates, asking out their crushes or dates to Prom. For some reason, the American movies hyped Prom so much that I had this expectation of a guy asking me out to prom just like how Troy Bolton asked out Gabriella Montez to prom in High School Musical 3: Senior Year.
When I saw my crush in his grey tuxedo, my heart rushed in a beat. I can sense the butterflies inside. While it was daunting to attend prom without my crush asking me out, I had fun dancing with friends in the end.
The reason why I am telling this short memoir piece is because I am left with an empty void at the end of my high school chapter. Compared to all of my past crushes, who all gave me direct answers such as “no,” friendzones, or rejections, I am left with an empty answer at the end of my high school year. I need to know the final answer.
Although there was some flirting that happened back in high school, I am left wondering, whether or not Liam did like me. If I got the chance, would I date him now? Probably not as the feelings went away. I could directly message him on Instagram and ask about it, but that would be random and awkward. Additionally, “all the feels” was part of the past and not the present. You want to find the right moment and spew out the lingering questions one day.
To this day, I “desperately” need an answer because although I have moved on from him and moved forward with my life, my diary is still left with an empty “did he like you or not?” thought.
This is not your typical happily ever after book. I am still left with “what would happen next.” Was I in love? I do not know. I was probably crushing blindly, who knows? I blame puberty and hormones for this.
Dear “Liam,” if you are reading this, just so you know I need an answer. That’s all. I gave mine. If you do not want to report back, it is fine.
